Saturday, January 22, 2011

sometimes the feeling is right you fall in love for the first time heart beat and kisses so sweet so much in love in the moonlight

I always feel icky with love and pregnancy while writing. (Warning! Science Content Personal views and opinions and facts ahead!)

Well first let me say: Not love. Love is a wonderful driving force in fiction and no matter WHAT you do, it's nigh impossible to write without some semblance or cameo. There can be background couples, a onesided crush, a drunken night, even accidental kisses for comedic relief. It can be one of the most violent, powerful, insane emotions and of course writing (really, all of the arts) and I love love in literature.

That said, I am by and large not a regular human being. I can pass as one in public most of the time. But I fail even harder as a girl. This puts me at a severe disadvantage in the world of romance and it's why I'll never manage to write a non-action thing, because it's the only thing I can fall back on. I don't look forward to marriage. I will never have children because I find the entire process of pregnancy revolting and can't stand smallthings under seven or so disgusting. I'm socially and romantically awkward, emotionally distant, and have adverse reactions to most things that others would consider 'cute'. I don't want flowers, I only want chocolate because I'm a pig, I will hold your hand on MY TERMS and MY TERMS ONLY, don't you dare kiss me if I don't want it, etc. I'm very much a cat in the fact that I only want affection when it suits me.

But I digress. A lot. It's this unfamiliarity and half-rejection that makes romance so awkward to write. I will probably never be able to write a sex scene - hell, probably not even a strong kiss scene. I find it awkward to write and can't connect to the emotion behind it. I'm an advocate of plot-relevant sex scenes and how it's not just fanservice, and even though there will have to be one in WHIPLASH!, I am not looking forward to that. Ugh.

(For example as to how I am very bad at human-human relationships, here's how I just answered the phone when my boyfriend called:
"I heart you."
"You're cute."
"Kittens are, and you're tired. Go to bed."
I am terrible and I fully realize this. Oh well.)

Pregnancy is also awkward in my writing, but not completely because of my total unfamiliarity with it. It's also because I am a feminist when it suits me and I all but HATE it in literature. It's very rarely done in a way that I can stand, much less like. I appreciate the happy family view, I do. I like that kind, just so long as it's... backstory-ish. It's not meant for endings. Pregnancy is a beginning; I don't want a book to end with it. Don't you dare.

There's also the fact that I very rarely would ever write it because I am a soulless bitch who hates babies. Because you know what? Having to decide literally EVERYTHING about that child, literally from birth, sucks. It sucks hard. Most of my characters come to me damn near fully-formed. A lot of them in dreams. I rarely have to consciously CREATE a character, and even when I do, I have a vague semblance of whether the plot needs a male or female. Or maybe I have so many females in this scene I want a male. Or the reverse. Whatever the reason, I don't just pick a gender. But babies? They're potentially characters before they actually exist. They can been introduced and even named without having a gender. There's emotional attachment without a gender. And you have two roads in front of you. Do you want the little boy, climbing trees, riding a bike, sucking his thumb? Do you want a little girl with a doting father, cute dresses, and skinned knees? One will exist and the other will immediately die.

So, in review and because I am currently having to debate the merits between a male and female child:
+Love in literature ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF.
+I hate writing physical love.
+I love writing emotional love.
+Sex scenes are very awkward when not in smut novels or settings.
+Pregnancy in literature sucks.
+I am a bad specimen of the female homo sapiens.

Skitty out! (to decide on an eventual gender)

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